Tag Archives: search terms

The Hero Series: Part Two

Igbo sex

Number of times searched – 3.

Alternate searches: Igbo sex 2011 (2), How to say I want to make love to you in Igbo (2), Nigerian men sex (1), Having sex with an Igbo man (1), Sex Igbo man (1), How to say I want to make love in Igbo (1), Igbo sex com (1), Igbo sex site (1), Sex games (1).

Dear Reader,

You sad, sad slapper.

First of all, if you want to have sex with an Igbo guy, sitting at your computer googling ‘Sex with Igbo man’ is not going to help you do it. Not unless there is an Igbo porn site out there, with films made entirely in the Igbo language, with Igbo characters and settings. (Maybe we could set one in pre-colonial times called ‘Things Fall(ing) Apart’. Would Achebe dare sue if by so doing he admits he watches a bit of porn? Have I just blasphemed the creator of modern African literature? Would 50 Cent invest to spite him? Hmmm. I smell a business venture. I wonder where all those actors I mentioned in the previous Hero post are? Would they be interested, do you think? OK, forget this idea. It’s mine. Seriously, the Igbo sex.com site WILL HAPPEN and the idea belongs to me).

But back to you. Whether this desperate foray into the underground world of smut is only because you wish to have a smouldering wedding night with your man, or for other non-igbo-girl ‘fornicatory’, the result is the same.

  • Find your man wherever he is. If he is with people, go on your knees and whisper: ”Dollars. Pounds Sterling. Containers”. Yes, I know it’s very Onitsha main market but this is sex. It’s supposed to be straightforward.
  • Take your clothes off.
  • Lie down – on your back like a good girl. Any other position – especially one that sees you in charge of pleasure-taking – is frowned upon. It leads to women being promiscuous and children born out of such become prostitutes and thieves, layabouts and ne’er-do-wells. (It’s like that useless ‘Obogu’ boy in my village. We called him that on account of the fact he walked like a duck…anyway, the reason he was born soft in the head was because his mother jumped on top of his father, in the middle of the afternoon no less. He spends his time at the entrance to the borehole flashing girls that come to fetch water). This simply will not do.

That’s pretty much it.

If you insist on foreplay then for the love of God, have a lot of CDs by Osita Osadebe or Oliver de Coque around. You had better know how to dance. And make sure he ‘sprays’ money on you. He expects it. By letting him do this you will be stroking his…ego.

Not convinced? You’d best be moving on then. I can do nothing to disabuse you of your Mills&Boon notions of sex being equal to romance; soft music playing, candles burning, perfume filling the air. My God, woman! Pull yourself together. It’s an Igbo man you’re after.

Any candles you have burning in that room had better be enough to roast bush meat on, is all I’m saying.

And if you must know how to waste your time saying ‘I want to make love’ in Igbo, a simple ‘Baby, ka anyi nwe’ should suffice. Just draw out that last syllable until you’re bleating a bit like a goat: ‘Nweeeeeeee’. That’s it.

Be fruitful and multiply.

Love,

H.

The Hero Series (or THS).

It’s come to my attention that a lot of people who come across this blog are in need of help.  I don’t mean this is the sarcastic, ‘Nne you’re crazy, you need help’ usually-followed-by ‘You need Jesus in your life’ Nigerian-way. I mean genuine assistance.

You may or may not know this, but WordPress has a habit of saving search terms that lead people to blogs and this one is no exception. Some of the search terms have been…well…alarming. Others show souls in various stages of ‘distress’. Subsequently, many of you need a hero, (I can be your hero, baby…taaraa raaa raaaa. Thank you Enrique) because let’s face it, there is no manual out there for what you need. I should know. I checked.

So starting from tomorrow and every alternate Thursday afterwards (works out at twice a month), I will be tackling some of these problems that may have brought you to my blog. Any time you see this symbol: 

 

Know that help is on the way*.

Until tomorrow friends!

*Cannot save from burning building, fly, talk to animals or go invisible. Sorry. (You know all those things qualifies one as a witch in Igboland).