Ike agwugo m. I am tired for some women sha.

Here’s something I don’t get. Some women think that there is only one man for them, they believe in the concept of ‘Mr Right’. Let’s not go into whether I believe this or not. It’s irrelevant. What baffles me is that they have this belief and will still lie and pretend in order to get the man they want.

Take a girl, let’s call her Ebube. Ebube likes Ikem. Ebube thinks Ikem is exactly the kind of man she wants, but Ikem does not like women who are outspoken. So Ebube being a ‘smart girl’ decides to be as quiet as a mouse; all her responses become ‘Yes, sir‘ and ‘No, sir’ and ‘Three bags full, sir’.

Ikem also likes women who scrub his feet with coarse salt and warm water each time he comes back from work and even though Ebube has a rule about whose feet she touches and when, she goes ahead and scrubs away, excusing herself at intervals to ‘check the food on the fire’ all the while going into the toilet to vomit until her intestines are in her throat.

So Flavour is engaged, biko nu you people should leave me alone!

I have heard o! Flavour is engaged. Whoop-di-do. Congratulations to him (and Her!).

Now I have acknowledged it, you may cease pressing your ‘Send’ buttons. Even Hubs is in on it. You should have seen the speed with which he sent me the news, sef. I could imagine him sitting back and cackling.

Thank you all for your concern. I am not sad, marriage is a beautiful thing and a true Igbo man should endeavour to marry at least once in each lifetime. It is a sign of manhood. He will get to drink the dregs of palmwine because oji oru n’aka.

However, if Flavour N’abania were retiring, the story would have been completely different:

I shudder to even think.

Why you’re not married.

I usually find a lot of topics like these ridiculous, but this time, something’s different. I think it’s because I always get search terms like…hang on. Lets’s turn into a Hero Series shall we?

Where to meet Igbo men

Number of times searched – 2

Alternate searches: How to keep an Igbo guy (1), How to snag an Igbo husband (1), How to bag an Igbo man (1), How to keep my Igbo man (1).

I was first alerted to the presence of this post called ‘6 Reasons you’re not married‘ on Ginger’s blog and decided to let you know what mine are from the Igbo perspective. As you can see from the above search results, some people – I’m assuming women but it could be men too – would like to know.

Before you guys get big-headed over how sought-after you are, there is a twist.

Callistus, put down your holy water. Azubike, swallow that bit of nkwobi you have in your mouth. Ifeanyi, leave that woman alone until I finish what I have to say. Igbo boys, here are 6 reasons that you’re still not married even though you want to be.

MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYONE

I promised you plenty plenty Igbo Chrstmas-related gist but I have had my hands full with a sick tot so I couldn’t. But never fear. I’ll do so soon. Just take time out from gorging yourselves on turkey (why people eat that dry meat is beyond me sef. And have you seen that thing under it’s neck? Tufiakwa. Alu melu!) to check this blog. Hopefully what you read will held you digest not regurgitate, though I cannot promise anything.

And please be careful. If your pesin decides to go to Nigeria for Christmas, better make sure they don’t have one Egovin nwa they are going home to marry. That is all.

The Hero Series: Part Five

A vocabulary lesson

I have noticed that the same search terms keep recurring. Basically, there is not an Igbo dictionary out there that can help you say what you want to say to this kain Igbo man that you really really want. Well, call me Mgbeke Ekeresimesi, because your Christmas has come two weeks early. Yes, Cinderella put down that ogbo igwe cutting into your hands, fling that ite ona cast iron pot away and find your glad rags, for you shall go to the ball. (Pardon my mixed metaphors, I haven’t had my daily dose of palm wine today and I am seeing things).

Bear in mind though that Igbo is a very tonal language. Unless you’re going to be writing whatever it is you’re going to say, this will not help much.

Here we go:

1. ‘You hurt my feelings’ – I gbawara m obi  (Literally, you have broken my heart). You can also say ‘Ihe i mere m di m njo’ or ‘I mere m ihe ojoo’ – What you did to me was wrong/bad. (Note: Not to be used after sex when ‘Bad’ means ‘Good’ to an Igbo man).
2. ‘Do you love me?’ – I huru m n’anya? (Asking this to an Igbo man without a ring on your finger is tantamount to GAME OVER. And I don’t mean finger rosary o. Use this wisely.)
3. ‘Are you well husband?’ – Di m, aru adikwa? – My husband are you feeling alright?/Are you well? Preferably follow this up with rubbing his head or shoulders before you ask him for money. (Note: May lead to sex. Do not touch him if you are not in the mood. Do not say you have a headache when he is in the mood. He will buy you Panadol extla extla and wait for it to work before getting well and truly jiggy with it. If you are not in the mood, best to say ‘Ndewo’ – ‘Good morning’ like a normal person as you leave for work. The money can wait).
4. ‘I will marry you’ – Aga m alu gi (Use ONLY in response to the question, ‘Will you marry me’ or the statement ‘I want you to be my wife’, ‘I ga alu m?’ and ‘Achoro m ka i buru nwunye m’  respectively. Anything other than this scenario will send the man to those churches convinced that you are trying to bewitch him. He will stop eating your food as well because we all know that a woman that is bold enough to propose to a man has been cooking his food with the special water she’s been using to cleanse certain parts of her body).
5. ‘Good woman’ – Ezigbo/Ezi nwanyi. An Igbo man will only call you this when you have repaid your bride price to him. You do this by bearing him strong Igbo sons to carry on his strong Igbo name. If you have girl-children be prepared to bring them up, clawing for every kobo you can get from their father until someone comes to pay their bride price at which point they revert to their father’s property.
6. ‘I want to have a baby’ – A choro m imu nwa. I’m going to assume that you mean ‘I want to have a baby for you’ which is ‘A choro m imuru gi nwa’. Say that out loud. Sound out the words. Good. Now look around. You see that dust rising from the carpet? That’s your guy vanishing at the speed of sound.
7. ‘There is no problem’ – Nsogbu adiro/adighi. So what if you’ve just seen evidence that he has another woman? Shrug it off, nsogbu adiro. It’s not as if he’ll marry either of you anyway. He has a girl in the village who is just finishing Class 6.
8. ‘I love you’ – A huru m gi n’anya. So your man has just said these words. Congratulations. If he said it after eating nkwobi, ofe nsala or chopping…ahem!…it doesn’t count. Wait…don’t tell me you’re going to tell him this first? Have you learnt nothing?!
9. ‘I’m tired’ – Ike agwugo m. 
10. ‘I don’t want’ – Hahahaha! Good luck with that!! Igbo men are the most persistent buggers you’ve ever met in your life. It will be simply better for you if you just marry him and give him like six or seven children. You’re going to do it anyway. OK, if you really must know, it’s A choghi m, but it rarely ever works. Your best bet? Buy a club.

Enjoy the ride!

Love,

H.