The Hero Series: ‘What makes you know you’re Igbo’ and other matters.

Number of times searched – 1

Listen my dear, I do not understand this question.

When you’re Igbo you just know. In fact the first rule of knowing that you’re Igbo is to wonder if you are. Our culture does not favour everyone and if you’re feeling the pinch of it in a particular area of your life, the fact that you cannot escape is probably causing you to fantasise that maybe…just maybe…you might not be Igbo? Ha! Tough luck! You are.

If I am not an eight-year-old lying asleep on my mother’s couch, waiting for my Uncle Israel to pick me up for a two-week holiday at his house (Long story. More on this later) then you don’t get to have an alternate reality either. This is your life. Suck it up.

If you are adopted or something and are simply wondering if you could be Igbo, I think I can help. And don’t worry, if the majority of these symptoms have not manifested, they will. In time. As with all medical advice, having one or more means you are definitely Igbotically inclined.

FEMALES

• You have to resist the urge to blind, maim or even eviscerate your suitors: This means you like them. In fact, the more you like them, the more likely they are to end up dead. It will be sad if they die, yes, but your honour and Maidenhead will be intact.

****Of course we cannot disregard cases of rape and ‘forceful loving’ from centuries of cultural ‘Stop-it-I-like-its’. In those days however, there was a code of which both males and females, young and old were aware. There were signs that women gave if they were genuinely interested and merely testing your mettle to see if you would be a strong husband –  if you genuinely wanted her  as opposed to just anyone in her peer group. I would like to say there was no rape but it is likely that the consequences were more severe. Unlike today, rape could be punishable by death. But – and I say this as someone who has been on the receiving end of many a persistent bugger convinced he is being tested – there is a need for the language of courtship to change. If women are still reading from the scroll of courtship and men aren’t, there is a problem. 

• You are relentless in your pursuit of degrees/independence: You mustn’t blame yourself if you are still stuck on your 10th postgraduate programme long after your mates have finished theirs. It’s a genetic condition. Do you know the science of evolution? Well, you are programmed to behave like that because in the not-too-distant past, your ancestresses married one man and had to look after themselves and their children with whatever they sold, sowed or bartered. The only thing they got from the men apart from social standing  (and if your man was an akologheli like my Awka brethren would say, not even that) were yams and seed yams. You get where I’m going with this. Still…
• Marriage matters to you. Deeply. And so…
• In spite of your independence, you don’t want to appear too independent/smart. I know, I know. It’s annoying isn’t it? You have all the answers and you’re forced to hold your tongue while the men lumber around making all the mistakes and generally wrecking everything. You know how to hold a car distributor together with the under-wire of your bra and you have to watch your man fiddling with stuff under the bonnet and muttering “I think it’s the manifold.” And this, after refusing to call the mechanic twiddling his thumbs across the road. Stuff like that.
• You find yourself: Sitting down to cook (who was the imbecile that came up with standing up to cook anyway?), saving the best pieces of meat/fish for whatever man is closest during meal times, even if they are strangers. And if no man is available? Well, no wonder your freezer is full. Get  a man ASAP. In fact, even a male dog has a penis and is more deserving than you are. Get one.
• You may have an innate hierarchical system: Men first, then male children, women and girls. The Marrieds over singles. This will determine how you treat them all the time. Contrary to the UN’s idiotic beliefs, all fingers are not created equal. You may also hate yourself for this, seeing as you’re educated and all. Don’t be silly. The minute you surrender to your Igboness, this internal conflict will be resolved. You’ll accept your place. Which is…
• A little above a child’s: Your man, whether temporary or permanent, has the right to discipline you as he sees fit. 50 Shades of Grey is your template. You can’t understand these people who hate it so much.

It might sound like your existence is dire; you have all of the responsibilities but none of the benefits but that isn’t always true. I’d say it’s split 80/20 but that is true in the rest of the world. The difference is that we’re Igbo. We are more honest about things than everyone else is.  Keep your head down and do your duty. That is your reward for living.

But if you feel a bit blue, consider this: Amadioha is so merciful that he has given us a silver lining. Most of the men your age will probably be dead twice over before you even dream about popping your clogs.

May be the odds be ever in your favour!

Love,

Hx

The Hero Series: A selection

Here is a small selection of what people have been searching for in the past seven days (which led them to my blog). The number of times searched is in brackets.

How to love Igbo things (3) – Ezigbo nwa. Deeme. I hope you found what you were looking for on this blog. Nnoo. Welcome.

Altar of burnt offering in Igboland (2) – Maka why now? Mba nu, that is not my forte. You need to visit Ukpuru and maybe you’ll find some images from the past even if I haven’t seen that particular type myself. But if you’re looking for some Okija Shrine stuff, you’re in the wrong place.

How to say ‘I have cooked’/’I am cooking’ in Igbo (1 +1) –  Luckily for you, you don’t have to tell an Igbo man when you have cooked. The smell should do it for you. Igbo foods – when cooked properly – are very smelly and need no introduction. I’m assuming you’re not wasting your time and mine with any rice-based dishes because as any true Igbo man will tell you, rice is nni nnunu – only fit for birds. Yes, the smell thing works over the phone and the internet as well.

But if you must know the sentence, ‘I have cooked’ does not translate really because it’s what you should be doing as a woman in the first place. I am cooking is ‘Ana m esi nri’. The closest to ‘I have cooked’ is ‘Esichago m nri’ – I have finished cooking.

What is ‘behaviour’ in Igbo? (1) –  Omume. Good behaviour is ‘Ezigbo omume’ and Bad behaviour is ‘Ajo omume’. If you’re a woman, you must aim for ‘Ezigbo omume’ at all times, except if you’re married and it comes to …ahem! wifely duties, then it’s ‘Ajo omume’ all the way! But be careful. If you know too much ajo omume, your husband will ask how many people have seen your thighs before him. If you’re a man, the world is your oyster. Ajo omume and ezigbo omume are pretty much the same for you (except when it comes to murder and igwo nsi, juju and so forth).

What can I say to my Igbo boyfriend? (1) – Why say anything? I have discussed it at length on this blog. Why do you want to be talking uselessly like a woman who has no sense? Just close your mouth until he speaks to you first. Hia. Your boyfriend is IGBO. He is not a woman neither is he onye ocha. He does not need to have conversations with you. The only language he speaks is FOREX and you’re too dumb to speak that anyway. When you feel yourself wanting to start a conversation, ask yourself these questions:

• Is food ready?
• Do I have enough money?
• Am I in the mood to have sex?

If you answer ‘No’ to any, just mechie onu and sweep or something. Or go get a manicure. Or polish your Pyrex. Talk is what girlfriends are for.

Blue movie hot hot sex igbo lady (1) – That would be Cossy Orjiarkor.

I see female breast in my dreams (1) – Ewooooo! My brother/sister they have come for you. Yes, umu mami wata nke ndi bekee n’akpo SUCCUBUS. Your own has finished o. I cannot help you. You’d better go to your village and see your local Eze mmuo, find out how many chickens and goats and bottles of Seaman’s Schnapps you need to break the tie. It’s either you are married to one of these creatures in the underworld or else you are their lover or follower.

Wait…have you been watching any films featuring the above mentioned actress? There may be hope for you yet. It’s not your fault. Cossy’s assets are well-known and it’s possible they would dominate your dreams. Heck, they dominate more than half her own body. Say 5 Hail Marys and don’t do it again.

Or if you’re a fan of Big Brother Africa your brain could just be regurgitating the image of Prezzo’s man boobs. (I’m really, really sorry you all had to see that.) I bet you wish a succubus was after you now.

And the question of the day… do not click if you are not 18 or sensitive

Lies in Bekee

Ndi Ocha told us…

 

This is the bad way.

This is the good way.

This is the civilised way.

Ndi igbo, open your eyes.