So here I was minding my business, writing and whatnot when a message pings PING! in my mailbox. I open it to find a strange name, someone I do not know:
Ndewo nu, Igbo ndi oma n’agu akara edemede m n’aka ugbu a. Kedu ka unu mere? And good day to all you non-Igbo readers as well!
This post is about Flavour N’abania so if you’re tired of hearing me talk about him, biko kwuruga – just shift to one side, as we say in Nigeria.
Let’s have a moment of silence to fully appreciate God’s work, please.
Eh-he, where was I? Yes, so I understand as a Christian that whatever I ask for of my heavenly father will be given. Matthew 7:7 – ‘Seek and ye shall find, knock and it shall be opened unto you.’
In this case it translates as ‘Seek F(l)avour and ye shall find F(l)avour.’ Hallelujah? Amen!
WHY IS THIS NOT HAPPENING?
Is this because Christianity also makes provision for those times when you ask and do not receive – it is simply not in God’s plan? He knows what is best for you; you’re supposed to ‘Wait upon the Lord and he shall renew thine strength. (Isaiah 40:31). So this would mean that meeting Flavour now or at any other time would be somehow bad for me.
I don’t attend the so-called ‘New Generation’ churches but I find that a lot of them believe in speaking words into action – less waiting, more…commanding. I am comfortable with this approach with regards to my current Flavourless existence because it is similar to the Igbo belief system.
We Nwa afo Igbo believe in chi, your personal destiny, inseparable from your will. This is not a god to be bartered or traded or destroyed if they do not do your bidding. This chi is both the physical manifestation of your will and the will itself.
So you see, I simply refuse to believe that it is not God’s plan for me to meet Flavour N’abania. I refuse. Mba. No. Nicht. Non. It is simply that my chi slumbers. For how else will you explain that ALL of my friends have met, touched, danced with or interviewed the Flavoursome One, eh?
Hear one of them : “Nwoke mara mma o. Skin bu so so mma eh!” (“He is so fiiiiiiiine and his skin is so lovely!”)
Needless to say, we have since parted ways.
I promised no more Flavour for a while on this blog, and I kept my promise both to myself and to you. I boycotted his music, I did not speak his name or allow anyone else to do so. Heck I even stopped watching Alien vs Predator which I love because Predator’s hairstyle reminds me of Flavour’s.
Now I have gone back to him in force, starting today. Flavour if you are reading this, I AM COMING FOR YOU. You cannot escape.
It is destiny.
If you have Spotify, and you speak Igbo listen to the skit below. It is supposed to be what happens when a group of Igbo boys hang out in a beer garden with the purpose of picking up chicks. The conversation is HILARIOUS. I would love to translate it but I have a feeling that it will make the whole thing dry and humourless.
He takes off his shirt almost immediately so…ahem! unless you are immune, you should NOT watch this at work.
While we’re on the subject…
This one I think I will transcribe because Flavour is FUNNY. I will be doing it in Nigerian English.
UPDATE: HUH. Ifite Dunu, not Ifite Awka. I must read properly (but in my defence I’ve been having a fever for three days now.)
Flavour gini? Biko he’s too far away!
I must be SERIOUSLY slacking in my life because I did not know that P-Square are from Awka. My very doormout. How could I not know? I need to hand my National Union of Journalists badge back because I am a disgrace to the profession.
Anyway, if you’re done drooling, the boys whose mother died on the 11th of July five hours after heart surgery in India will be in Ifite-Dunu to bury her on the 2nd of August.
May God be with them at this time. And I mean that in every way. Some people are just coming to ‘chop their money‘. They need to go to the Imo-Owka oracle and kee nkwucha (also known as a spiritual ‘Tuck n’ Tape) otherwise plenti plenti girls will have their bread buttered for life via child support payments.
This video brought you from here. To quote the author “You can take the boy out of the village, but you cannot take the village out of the boy.”
And another thing, Wizkid really creeps me out. Oh, it’s not him per say, it’s what he represents. I feel the same way about Justin Beiber. Before that it was Jerome Childers.
There is just something about small boys – and by small, I mean young – chyking older girls/women that really, really gets my goat. I cannot explain it. It’s not just them trying it on with older women, it’s the singing about what I consider ‘adult subject matters’ or acting older than their ages in that particular field. I see them doing it and I want to slap them so hard.
With that in mind, you’ll understand why this sketch sending up Wizkid is one of my absolute favourites. I usually despair of the sameness of Nigerian comedy (Ethnic group stereotypes, rich/poor jokes, drunk guy jokes) but this is so spot on that you can tell Tee-A – whom I had never heard of before I watched this show – is an artist. He actually studies his subjects not just physically, but mentally too. It’s so nuanced…ah, just watch it. Watch it to the very end.
GRRRR!!!! I just realised this is not the full thing and I couldn’t find it anywhere. I won’t spoil it for you in case you do find it but if I don’t by Friday, I’ll tell you what happens in the end.