The second part of THAT WizKid parody: ‘You’re a smalling boy’

First part here.

I still can’t find the end of it but I’m looking.

Weekend Ramblings: Boys, boys, boys.

This video brought you from here. To quote the author “You can take the boy out of the village, but you cannot take the village out of the boy.”

And another thing, Wizkid really creeps me out. Oh, it’s not him per say, it’s what he represents. I feel the same way about Justin Beiber. Before that it was Jerome Childers.

There is just something about small boys – and by small, I mean young – chyking older girls/women that really, really  gets my goat. I cannot explain it. It’s not just them trying it on with older women, it’s the singing about what I consider ‘adult subject matters’ or acting older than their ages in that particular field. I see them doing it and I want to slap them so hard.

With that in mind, you’ll understand why this sketch sending up Wizkid is one of my absolute favourites. I usually despair of the sameness of Nigerian comedy (Ethnic group stereotypes, rich/poor jokes, drunk guy jokes) but this is so spot on that you can tell Tee-A – whom I had never heard of before I watched this show – is an artist. He actually studies his subjects not just physically, but mentally too. It’s so nuanced…ah, just watch it. Watch it to the very end.

GRRRR!!!! I just realised this is not the full thing and I couldn’t find it anywhere. I won’t spoil it for you in case you do find it but if I don’t by Friday, I’ll tell you what happens in the end.

Forgotten story: ‘The Jester’

I found this story cleaning out my files today and thought I should put it up. I wrote it about two years ago while I was on holiday. It is unfinished. I can’t remember why I didn’t bother to finish it but reading through  just now, I suspect it stemmed from a dislike of the central character. I wonder if I should not just finish it? 

***

Dr Ani was a clown, treated his practice like a joke and his patients like a punch line.

Often they didn’t know they were punch lines so he had to retaliate – in jest of course, he wasn’t really mean, heaven forbid. Like the time when sixteen-year-old Margaret had come in with painful constipation. She had gruffly informed the man who had treated her since she was a baby that ‘he really wasn’t that funny’ as he tried to make light of her condition. Of course he wasn’t hurt, no, no, no, no. That was teenagers for you. But he tried to make her see the error of her ways, what the joke was really about, punctuating each turn of the joke with a forceful, gloved jab into her unyielding rectum as he inserted the suppository that would help her shit. She sounded like she was in pain when she finally said she understood, laughing ‘haw, haw, haw’ like a donkey. ‘Constipation is no laughing matter,’ he informed her gravely, before he burst out, watching her eyes for signs of merriment. She doubled over, hiding her face and clutching her belly. Laughter really was the best medicine.

Yes, he had the good life. Granted some people might have thought that he went down to his hometown in Ukwuda to settle – ‘settle’ being the operative word – but mostly they were people who had had a humour bypass. Dr Ani didn’t bother telling them that the bigwigs in the posh Lagos hospital had realised his potential so much that no sooner than the research on laughter appeared in the Journal of Medicine  than he was being given the biggest send forth party to go and practice the medicine he loved as a big man among the grassroots. (It was exactly the same thing he had been preaching for years! Fine, it was all put in fancy language like endorphins and such, but it was essentially the same. He could have written that paper with his eyes closed, if he weren’t so busy with the actual business of healing people, rather than sitting on his backside tickling patients with a palm frond and gauging their reactions. Honestly, the things people got paid to do)

People had cheered his move up the ladder and his fiancée, Nurse Eunice, popularly called ‘EU’ by her friends had wept openly with emotion. She was so overwhelmed by the honour. He had heard her best friend whisper to her during the party ‘It’s not too late, you know’ and knew that his wife was worried about the party running late. He knew her so well.  He gave his guest of honour speech, cracked a few jokes and dragged his Eunice away from the party. Her best friend had clung to her until he had separated them, joking to make it less painful “Eh! Gladys, this way you are clinging to my wife, do you want to marry her? So because nobody is asking about your wares you want to turn to woman lover?” His casual reference to her spinster status and taboo lesbianism caused a few gasps. Gladys looked livid, but sure enough the laughter started up almost immediately, led by the Chief of Medicine who seemed to be spurring people on with his hands. Ah, the good old chief was always one of the fastest minds and bravest souls. After all, it was he who recommended Dr Ani for their most remote location, where people were so poor they couldn’t pay and medicine was largely unexplored. People would be more receptive to his style of medicine, not like Lagos where they were so full of themselves and how much money they had that they couldn’t laugh at their ridiculous ailments. It’s not as if it was life and death, most rich people only had imaginary ailments. And so what if it was? Some deaths were funny, especially when people farted or shat themselves as they died.

Does Nollywood hate women?

We’ve all seen the movies. If you haven’t, I can tell you right now: It’s mostly always the woman.

It doesn’t matter what the film is; Action, Drama, Comedy, Thriller, Horror…it’s the woman.

Let’s consider this scenario: Boy and girl have been going out for years, boy gets rich and dumps girl in the most humiliating way possible, girl – previously spending all her finances on boy – becomes destitute. Girl turns to her late father’s brother – who incidentally ‘inherited’ all her father’s property because there is no heir – for help, uncle rejects her, girl lives on the street. After a while, girl gets rescued by random guy who takes her in and gives her everything, random guy proposes to girl after she scrubs the grime off her face in popular Cinderella move and reveals herself to be beautiful (even though at the time she was supposed to be living on the streets, she still had a french manicure which cost her N3,000 and it’s a nail wrap so there is NO WAY she was going to take them off just to shoot a stupid street scene. After all she has just agreed to lie down in a pile of rubbish and should that not be enough? Mr Director biko shoot around it now.)

Just as girl is getting used to the idea of spending the rest of her life with random guy, just as she is learning to love him, boy comes back with his tail between his legs after losing his fortunes to gold digger chick , begs her forgiveness for being a total cad, girl falls back into his arms. (Parts 1-4)

Boy dies and leaves girl (now woman) a widow with three children and she has to go through cruel widowhood rites, her daughter is almost raped by Uncle and her son joins a gang of marauders and is shot, and woman in addition to losing her husband is arrested on charges of prostitution and sent to court. (Parts 5 – 8)