Gwam Gwam Gwam…

…Why my mother has taken to signing off her texts and emails to me with her name ‘Oby’? Is this a trap?

Look, I am not paranoid. I just know my mother and living with her has prepared me not just for rolling with the punches but rolling away from them. My mother was very Old Testament we were growing up; swift to take offence, swifter to act still, delivering those dreaded mouth flicks that made you feel and look like you pissed off a few hundred bees. It was as if Jesus never happened. She’s only little so we all decided that the best retribution would be to grow taller, away from the knocks on the head and those ear-yanks that made you suddenly realise just what spirits did with the ear of a dog.

(Okay, I still don’t know. But whatever it is, I’m sure it hurts like shit. I am not swearing. I mean one of those obstructive ones that make your day worse on coming out so that it would have been better if they stayed on the insidewhatamIdoingdiscussingthiskindofnonsense?)

I swear my mother once pulled my ear so hard that for a week or so I was like Spider Man. I could hear butterflies in flight and smell rain even when the skies were bright blue. When I told her I could smell the unwashed liver smell which was the sole preserve of our house help Petrolina on the carpenter Pius, she knocked me so hard that my hearing returned to normal.

“That’s for spying,” she said, before giving me half a bottle of coke as a reward.

You see why I am so well-adjusted. And why I became a journalist.

Nevertheless, I shan’t take to calling my mother Oby , thank you very much. When it rains my left knee still hurts from the first – and last – time I attempted it as a joke and she threw a high-heeled shoe at me.


8 thoughts on “Gwam Gwam Gwam…

  1. Lol @ your ears, nose and etc reacting to your mother beating you. I have also had a high heeled shoe, ice cream (at France) and a bunch of keys thrown at me. I was not afraid of my mum. It was mostly my dad I was afraid of as he played bad cop. I didn’t take my mum seriously but there was a particular way she would call my name when I did something wrong. She must have altered my head because I can still remember it. I’m sure there were times she beat me, but she didn’t need to. All she had to do was give me “the look” as if lasers would come out of her eyeballs and reduce me to ashes!

    They weren’t funny at the time but it’s hilarious when I remember it all now. My favourite is the look that my parents would give me if I acted out in public. It translated to “Don’t worry, I’ll deal with you at home”. Lol!!!

  2. I just realise I completely avoided the question. Maybe it’s not a trap and it’s her phone settings. Some smart phones do that. If it’s not phone settings, it’s a trap. I would be confused of my dad sent me a text with his name at the end, lol!

  3. “When I told her I could smell the unwashed liver smell which was the sole preserve of our house help Petrolina on the carpenter Pius, she knocked me so hard that my hearing returned to normal”.

    smh! *unwashed liver smell* where do you come up with these similes.

    All this ‘gwam gwam gwam’ matter. Just ask her na.

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