Monthly Archives: November 2012

Dear 419ers

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Shame on you.

Shammmmmmme!

I can’t believe how shoddy, how plain LAZY this is. Seriously, where is the GTB Bank logo? You couldn’t even get a ‘From’ address that looked like it was from a bank? No splotches of tell-tale orange anywhere? How do you expect to get paid you shameless creatures? I hope your mates flog you for this shoddy workmanship.

As the great Fela Anikulapo Kuti said: ‘419 wey no no im work, na suegbe eeeeeee’.

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Flash Fridays(Late edition): Trouble dey sleep…

“Oh my God, he is so gorgeous!”

“He’s alright,” Nkechi said.

“Alright? Alright?!”

“Calm down, Alice. It’s no big deal. If you like him, walk up to him and say ‘Hi’. But wipe your chin first.”

“I can’t talk to him on coke! I need something stronger.”

“Put your hand down, you don’t need anything stronger. We agreed to do this with you clean and sober. No more strange men who could murder us in our sleep.”

“I can’t talk to him now…oh Jesus, look at his hair. Is he a model?!”

“Breathe, Alice.”

“He’s just seen me! He’s just seen me!”

“That’s it. Com’on. Give me your hand.”

“Did you see how his shirt went up when he touched his hair? Did you see his…?”

“Shut up, Alice.”

“I beg you, let me get some…”

“Hi! Hello guys. I’m Nkechi and this is my friend, Alice…”

“Hello.”

“Hi.”

“Hi.”

“Erm…you didn’t introduce yourselves,” said Nkechi.

“No.”

“Let’s go, Nkechi. Sorry to bother you guys.”

“Wow, listen there is no need to be rude…” began Nkechi.

“Look I have a girlfriend and you really aren’t my type.”

“Nkechi, let’s go. Oh my God,” said Alice, tugging.

“Don’t hide your face, Alice,” said Nkechi turning back to the ‘model’. “Just what do you think your rudeness is going to achieve? My friend came here to talk to you…”

“Now it’s your friend, eh? How convenient.”

“Oh God,” said Alice.

“Instead of you to be flattered that a beautiful girl like my friend is coming over here to talk to you…”

“Look, do you know how many of you come over? Look behind you at all the eyes. There is a line forming where you’re standing. I just want to be left alone to enjoy a night with my boys without any of you predatory species getting up on my dick.”

“You’re just a fool,” said Nkechi.

“Why don’t you go back to your spot across the room and keep staring at this fool then?”

***

“Nkechi take it easy. You know you’re driving us home.”

“Maybe you’ll drive us, Alice, after all this is all your fault. Now move aside, let me unbutton my blouse. This bartender is ignoring me.”