The Hero Series: A selection

Here is a small selection of what people have been searching for in the past seven days (which led them to my blog). The number of times searched is in brackets.

How to love Igbo things (3) – Ezigbo nwa. Deeme. I hope you found what you were looking for on this blog. Nnoo. Welcome.

Altar of burnt offering in Igboland (2) – Maka why now? Mba nu, that is not my forte. You need to visit Ukpuru and maybe you’ll find some images from the past even if I haven’t seen that particular type myself. But if you’re looking for some Okija Shrine stuff, you’re in the wrong place.

How to say ‘I have cooked’/’I am cooking’ in Igbo (1 +1) –  Luckily for you, you don’t have to tell an Igbo man when you have cooked. The smell should do it for you. Igbo foods – when cooked properly – are very smelly and need no introduction. I’m assuming you’re not wasting your time and mine with any rice-based dishes because as any true Igbo man will tell you, rice is nni nnunu – only fit for birds. Yes, the smell thing works over the phone and the internet as well.

But if you must know the sentence, ‘I have cooked’ does not translate really because it’s what you should be doing as a woman in the first place. I am cooking is ‘Ana m esi nri’. The closest to ‘I have cooked’ is ‘Esichago m nri’ – I have finished cooking.

What is ‘behaviour’ in Igbo? (1) –  Omume. Good behaviour is ‘Ezigbo omume’ and Bad behaviour is ‘Ajo omume’. If you’re a woman, you must aim for ‘Ezigbo omume’ at all times, except if you’re married and it comes to …ahem! wifely duties, then it’s ‘Ajo omume’ all the way! But be careful. If you know too much ajo omume, your husband will ask how many people have seen your thighs before him. If you’re a man, the world is your oyster. Ajo omume and ezigbo omume are pretty much the same for you (except when it comes to murder and igwo nsi, juju and so forth).

What can I say to my Igbo boyfriend? (1) – Why say anything? I have discussed it at length on this blog. Why do you want to be talking uselessly like a woman who has no sense? Just close your mouth until he speaks to you first. Hia. Your boyfriend is IGBO. He is not a woman neither is he onye ocha. He does not need to have conversations with you. The only language he speaks is FOREX and you’re too dumb to speak that anyway. When you feel yourself wanting to start a conversation, ask yourself these questions:

• Is food ready?
• Do I have enough money?
• Am I in the mood to have sex?

If you answer ‘No’ to any, just mechie onu and sweep or something. Or go get a manicure. Or polish your Pyrex. Talk is what girlfriends are for.

Blue movie hot hot sex igbo lady (1) – That would be Cossy Orjiarkor.

I see female breast in my dreams (1) – Ewooooo! My brother/sister they have come for you. Yes, umu mami wata nke ndi bekee n’akpo SUCCUBUS. Your own has finished o. I cannot help you. You’d better go to your village and see your local Eze mmuo, find out how many chickens and goats and bottles of Seaman’s Schnapps you need to break the tie. It’s either you are married to one of these creatures in the underworld or else you are their lover or follower.

Wait…have you been watching any films featuring the above mentioned actress? There may be hope for you yet. It’s not your fault. Cossy’s assets are well-known and it’s possible they would dominate your dreams. Heck, they dominate more than half her own body. Say 5 Hail Marys and don’t do it again.

Or if you’re a fan of Big Brother Africa your brain could just be regurgitating the image of Prezzo’s man boobs. (I’m really, really sorry you all had to see that.) I bet you wish a succubus was after you now.

And the question of the day… do not click if you are not 18 or sensitive

Why are Igbo guys so terrible at giving oral sex? (1) – See eh…the thing is…I don’t want to say ‘that has not been my experience’  because I… I cannot be seen to talk about – or not talk about – experience in this matter, because as a good Igbo girl, you will know I am talking about my Hubs who is certainly NOT terrible at life and I mean it in the MOST GENERAL OF SENSES.

But if I were to posit a theory, I would say that it’s because of the whole ‘sacred’ nature of the area. Women don’t go there, ergo men don’t go there. You want your husband to weaken himself by putting his mouth in the very place that a woman kills a chicken every month? No. Every Igbo child knows that when a woman on her period walks into a place of powerful juju, it immediately loses its potency. That is why our ancestresses had to be isolated at the edge of the village once every month.

It’s the same with an Igbo man. If he puts his mouth there, his thing will die. He will only be able to conceive girls if his thing doesn’t fall off and really, what use it that? He might as well be dead.

On a related note: We all know that women tend to sync up the more time they spend with each other. I wonder what happened to the men when their wives all got their monthlies at the same time? Who fed them? Cooked their food? Kept their other hunger at bay? Wow. They must have had it tough.