Why you’re not married.

I usually find a lot of topics like these ridiculous, but this time, something’s different. I think it’s because I always get search terms like…hang on. Lets’s turn into a Hero Series shall we?

Where to meet Igbo men

Number of times searched – 2

Alternate searches: How to keep an Igbo guy (1), How to snag an Igbo husband (1), How to bag an Igbo man (1), How to keep my Igbo man (1).

I was first alerted to the presence of this post called ‘6 Reasons you’re not married‘ on Ginger’s blog and decided to let you know what mine are from the Igbo perspective. As you can see from the above search results, some people – I’m assuming women but it could be men too – would like to know.

Before you guys get big-headed over how sought-after you are, there is a twist.

Callistus, put down your holy water. Azubike, swallow that bit of nkwobi you have in your mouth. Ifeanyi, leave that woman alone until I finish what I have to say. Igbo boys, here are 6 reasons that you’re still not married even though you want to be.

1) You think it’s all about your money: The average Igbo man in Nigeria will almost hit forty before he gets married. Maka why? Ego. Money. Kudi. Owo (wow. I’ve just surprised myself by how many ways I know how to say ‘money’ in Nigerian languages. Let’s not go there). You assume that you must amass vast quantities of the beige stuff (N1000 notes, now) to get married. You say ‘Anaghi agba aka anu nwanyi’ – You can’t marry a woman with empty hands. You complain about greedy in-laws and high bride prices. You whine about your woman and her bridal train. Moan, moan, moan, moan, moan.

And yet whose fault is it? Who was busy spending like there was no tomorrow? Who told his then girlfriend ‘nne libe ife’ on those days – and they were frequent – when you wined and dined her? You. You dropped her off in so many different cars that her mother made her break all the plates and glasses in the house so that she will have something to add to the list when you come for her daughter’s hand in marriage. All this is your fault. An Igbo woman will only help you be what you want to be. If you were honest with her from the beginning, she would have found a way to block her family’s crazy demands. After all, nobody wants to eat palm kernels after the wedding.

And let me let you in on a little secret: No Igbo father wants to see his daughter remain in his house past twenty-two. And no, they don’t want you to marry ndi ocha women either. Use that to your advantage. Repeat after me, the words of Cedric the Enternainer: “Tell ’em I ain’t got it man. I can put some on it, but I ain’t got it right now.”

2) You live with your mother: It’s even there in black and white in the Bible; a man shall leave his mother and father and cleave to his wife. But how do you propose to do this when you still live with your mother, biko nu? No woman wants to live with her mother-in-law no matter how nice she is – especially when she is nice (you want to preserve that. Living together will borrow an ogene and clang out the tune for ‘Death Knell’ on the relationship). The two women you’re likely to attract are: a) Women who are long term planners. They will wait for your mother to die if she isn’t already old, and take the matriarchy with such speed it will make your head spin. b) Women with whom you are their back-up, should-in-case man. They have someone else but if it doesn’t work out, at least they won’t be paying rent. Dude, how low is your esteem?

3) Your think it’s 1820: You don’t help out with ‘female’ stuff. You’ve managed to get a girlfriend, who will cook, clean and feed all your appetites (yes, even those dirty, dirty ones that no parish priest wants to hear in confession because then he’ll have to go himself) and you still can’t even lift your finger to wash one plate, preferring instead to sit back and let her pick your teeth and cut your nails. Foolish man. Prepare to pay bride price until your balls are mortgaged at one Eze Mmuo’s house. What happened to showing appreciation in a non-monetary fashion? Rubbing her feet, oiling her scalp? Do you know how much we HATE itchy scalps?

4)You’re rubbish in bed: Just because the girl was a virgin when you met doesn’t mean she doesn’t know how bad your are. Smacking her bum and asking her to call you ‘Igwe’ afterwards will not make her think you’re a stud. I mean you’ve disvirgined her, don’t let her go to hell frustrated. It is not good if, each time you’re done, her face looks like she’s just sucked an udara. Take instruction. Or prepare to have your future children bear more than a passing resemblance to your mai-guard. (What to watch for: A tendency to quarter a cow with surgical precision by the time they’re six).

5)You’re a womaniser: When you were twenty it was flirty. You hit thirty, it became sexy. But now you’re pushing forty and hitting on Uni girls half your age while your mates have two kids each. Mba nu. Look around you. Those girls are not whispering to each other in excitement. They are wondering who it was that ‘did something to you’ because now you’re a loser and ‘it will not be good for those people’. Grow up. Even gynaecologists get tired.

6) You’re always right: You never say ‘Sorry’. You never say ‘Thank You’. You can’t even manage an ‘It’s no problem’. You’ll never marry. But hey, that’s how you like it, right? Right.

Enjoy the hunt,

Love,

H.