Monthly Archives: December 2011

Does ‘No’ ever mean ‘Yes’? (AKA Stop it I like it).

I’ve been saving this post for a rainy day and since it’s raining shoes and bags outside (and I have no money or inclination to spend what I have) I figured, why not?

In this post the blogger talks about that age-old male conundrum of women apparently saying ‘No’ when they mean ‘Yes’ especially when it comes to sexual matters. He calls this ‘woman logic’. I don’t know how old I was when I first became aware of this so-called phenomenon but I remember it was a man who was talking about it. And it’s men that seem to believe it too. (Who is that nsi amalu n’aja loser that came up with this view anyway? Way to get a date, loser).

You see, as an Igbo woman, you’re taught that if you say no and the man continues, then it’s on. You have to do what you have to do to protect your modesty, perceived or otherwise. I’ve said on this forum how my mother gladly stuffed a suitor full of sand and talks proudly about that till this day. I, myself am a huge fan of verbal castration (tsk tsk). Works every time.

But it’s really worrying that some men have the view that women do not know their own mind. And that goes beyond just sexual matters…look, read the post and tell me what you think. Views from both genders welcome.

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MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYONE

I promised you plenty plenty Igbo Chrstmas-related gist but I have had my hands full with a sick tot so I couldn’t. But never fear. I’ll do so soon. Just take time out from gorging yourselves on turkey (why people eat that dry meat is beyond me sef. And have you seen that thing under it’s neck? Tufiakwa. Alu melu!) to check this blog. Hopefully what you read will held you digest not regurgitate, though I cannot promise anything.

And please be careful. If your pesin decides to go to Nigeria for Christmas, better make sure they don’t have one Egovin nwa they are going home to marry. That is all.

The Hero Series: Part Five

A vocabulary lesson

I have noticed that the same search terms keep recurring. Basically, there is not an Igbo dictionary out there that can help you say what you want to say to this kain Igbo man that you really really want. Well, call me Mgbeke Ekeresimesi, because your Christmas has come two weeks early. Yes, Cinderella put down that ogbo igwe cutting into your hands, fling that ite ona cast iron pot away and find your glad rags, for you shall go to the ball. (Pardon my mixed metaphors, I haven’t had my daily dose of palm wine today and I am seeing things).

Bear in mind though that Igbo is a very tonal language. Unless you’re going to be writing whatever it is you’re going to say, this will not help much.

Here we go:

  1. ‘You hurt my feelings’ – I gbawara m obi  (Literally, you have broken my heart). You can also say ‘Ihe i mere m di m njo’ or ‘I mere m ihe ojoo’ – What you did to me was wrong/bad. (Note: Not to be used after sex when ‘Bad’ means ‘Good’ to an Igbo man).
  2. ‘Do you love me?’ – I huru m n’anya? (Asking this to an Igbo man without a ring on your finger is tantamount to GAME OVER. And I don’t mean finger rosary o. Use this wisely.)
  3. ‘Are you well husband?’ – Di m, aru adikwa? – My husband are you feeling alright?/Are you well? Preferably follow this up with rubbing his head or shoulders before you ask him for money. (Note: May lead to sex. Do not touch him if you are not in the mood. Do not say you have a headache when he is in the mood. He will buy you Panadol extla extla and wait for it to work before getting well and truly jiggy with it. If you are not in the mood, best to say ‘Ndewo’ – ‘Good morning’ like a normal person as you leave for work. The money can wait).
  4. ‘I will marry you’ – Aga m alu gi (Use ONLY in response to the question, ‘Will you marry me’ or the statement ‘I want you to be my wife’, ‘I ga alu m?’ and ‘Achoro m ka i buru nwunye m’  respectively. Anything other than this scenario will send the man to those churches convinced that you are trying to bewitch him. He will stop eating your food as well because we all know that a woman that is bold enough to propose to a man has been cooking his food with the special water she’s been using to cleanse certain parts of her body).
  5. ‘Good woman’ – Ezigbo/Ezi nwanyi. An Igbo man will only call you this when you have repaid your bride price to him. You do this by bearing him strong Igbo sons to carry on his strong Igbo name. If you have girl-children be prepared to bring them up, clawing for every kobo you can get from their father until someone comes to pay their bride price at which point they revert to their father’s property.
  6. ‘I want to have a baby’ – A choro m imu nwa. I’m going to assume that you mean ‘I want to have a baby for you’ which is ‘A choro m imuru gi nwa’. Say that out loud. Sound out the words. Good. Now look around. You see that dust rising from the carpet? That’s your guy vanishing at the speed of sound.
  7. ‘There is no problem’ – Nsogbu adiro/adighi. So what if you’ve just seen evidence that he has another woman? Shrug it off, nsogbu adiro. It’s not as if he’ll marry either of you anyway. He has a girl in the village who is just finishing Class 6.
  8. ‘I love you’ – A huru m gi n’anya. So your man has just said these words. Congratulations. If he said it after eating nkwobi, ofe nsala or chopping…ahem!…it doesn’t count. Wait…don’t tell me you’re going to tell him this first? Have you learnt nothing?!
  9. ‘I’m tired’ – Ike agwugo m. 
  10. ‘I don’t want’ – Hahahaha! Good luck with that!! Igbo men are the most persistent buggers you’ve ever met in your life. It will be simply better for you if you just marry him and give him like six or seven children. You’re going to do it anyway. OK, if you really must know, it’s A choghi m, but it rarely ever works. Your best bet? Buy a club.

Enjoy the ride!

Love,

H.

Hello my people!

I’m baaaack!

I finally ended the novel at 64, 902 words in 30 days which was not so bad.  You can read it here. It needs to be tweaked an edited but I’ll just leave that til January. The novel will be up on that blog till Friday next week – that’s the 9th of December. After that, it’s coming down.

So, it’s December o! This is the time many Igbo men the world over live for. Am I lying? It’s like January to November = Toil, December = Enjoyment with more than a smattering of showing off.

We don’t have good roads in Nigeria but somehow the newest models of cars make their way into even the most remote of villages. O di egwu. Anyway, this was just to say that I am back and I will bring the tori next week or a certain December experience…he he he. But let me get my bearings first. Spending the whole month in a fictional universe is messing with my head.