The Hero Series: Part Four (A genuine problem from a reader)

Hello people,

I got this genuine, non-fictional dilemma both on this forum and replicated in my inbox and I thought you guys would like to give her your opinions. Remember, be nice. This is an actual human being with real feelings and she would really appreciate some help. I will put in my two cents when I hear what everyone has to say. The letter is below.

I stumbled upon this site and happened to find it very interesting as well as informative. I couldn’t find a place to submit a new inquiry so I hope it’s ok to leave it here.After reading your Hero Series I think I’ve violated some of the golden rules. Hopefully your advice can help get things back on track.

Well, I’m African American & I was recently introduced to an Igbo man through a mutual friend. Initially we talked on the phone to get acquainted and arrange our first meeting. He wanted to meet that same evening, but I declined and opted for the following day.

So we met the next day, sparks flew and we seemed to click instantly. We talked and developed a really good vibe. So much that we arranged to meet later that evening. This time he invited me to his home. He and his friend had just arrived shortly before I did from playing tennis. When I drove up he welcomed me in and introduced me to his friend. He had some Nigerian food prepared & asked me to join them for dinner. I wasn’t really hungry but I obliged & asked him to give me a very small portion. Over dinner he gushed to his friend over my beauty, I was flattered but slightly embarrassed, but concealed it with pleasant smiles. I joined them in dinner conversation which went over quite well. So after dinner his friend left. Afterwards we watched movies, downloaded music and played online for a bit. He wanted to become FaceBook friends, so I accepted him via my Blackberry and he immediately started to troll my page, wall and photos, while I was sitting there. He then asked me a lot about my family background, etc. After talking about our families & an array of other things we started to make out. One thing lead to another and we had sex, without even knowing the golden rules I was very hesitant & he had to try very hard to convince me to proceed.

Afterwards it wasn’t awkward at all. He practically begged me to stay overnight but I declined, although I didn’t leave immediately, I left about 2am or so. He called me on my drive home and we talked more. The next day he wanted to hang out but I had a lot going on so I had to decline. Now here is where I sense things started to get shaky. The following day we made 10pm reservations for dinner. So we last spoke about 4pm. I hadn’t heard from him all day thereafter, so I texted about 6pm, no answer. Then I called about 8pm, no answer. So I never got dressed for the date. He decided to call at 9:45pm. I didn’t answer. He called perhaps 3 more times. I still didn’t answer. I then responded with a text letting him know that I was extremely disappointed in him and he knew of our plans & failed to respect my time, I also added how much a despised inconsistency. He texted back immediately with sincere apologies and an explanation of a “family emergency”. I accepted his apology but refused to see him that night. So the following day when we finally talked he addressed me by saying how can I marry a man one day then divorce him the next without him giving an explanation to the mistake that was made, then apologized to me again. He made me feel really bad, like I was too hard on him. I apologized to him, if I offended him and we arranged to meet for dinner. We met for dinner that night, he then again brought up the incident. He asked me if I had told my friends that he was an asshole for what happened. I told him no I didn’t mention what happened to anyone. He then said he told his friends that he was surprised by my lashing out at him, because he portrayed me to be such a pleasant woman. I was offended slightly because, I don’t feel that me expressing my disappointment makes me an unpleasant person, but I didn’t debate him. I just said I didn’t mean any harm & I’m sorry etc.

So after dinner we went back his place, I stayed for a few hours, but again didn’t stay the entire night, he wanted me to but I declined. This now leads up to Monday (which was yesterday), he didn’t call me nor did I call him. We only exchanged a text regarding some business finance info he asked me to obtain for him. Then another text later in the afternoon saying he hoped my day was pleasant.

My plight is that I’ve noticed a decline in admiration towards me since the incident of me lashing out at him. I’m not sure what my next move should be. I’m really feeling this guy and had expectations of us getting to know each other better. I’m not ready for things to end. Also, he’s very attractive & extremely wealthy so I know he’s a hot commodity among women. I’m a little lost and starting to come down on myself for the assertiveness I’ve displayed. Help.. What should my next move be?

–LostInTranslation


7 thoughts on “The Hero Series: Part Four (A genuine problem from a reader)

  1. Thanks Nwunye for taking the time to read my inquiry and post it for community input. I would appreciate any opinions or words of advice. Also as an update, the past few days things have been going well again. Perhaps I misinterpreted his actions or was caught up in my own emotions. But since the incident in his presence I still feel like I’m walking on eggshells a bit.

  2. Hi lost-in-ttranslation, unless you felt you genuinely over-reacted (maybe used curse words or made extreme remarks), there was nothing wrong in you being upset by someone who wasn’t considerate of your time. Despite what Nwunye writes….. Igbo guys dont want pushovers.

  3. Hello dear Lost in translation… I honestly don’t see anything wrong with your response. I mean he should have understood y u responded the way u did but eeehmmm I think somehow u sold urself short. Yea I had to say that. The Ibo brother like most men…likes the chase and its sad you let him sample d goods without pay!
    Personally I do not believe ‘strategizing’ is what will land you this guy unless ur in it for the money and looks and his ‘Iboness’. Well if you say things look gud…then fine..but pls don’t let yourself be used, ibo man or not. Girl It doesn’t make sense that ur in d relationship on his terms…It has been said that when a man truly falls in love, a new ‘mumu’ is born…all this his place.. his place talk, nne let him take u out naaa and show u off,4 real d true Ibo men likes to do dat.
    hmm he being worried abt his reputation with your friends, I mean girl, he told his friends abt you..so y question u….b careful love… just saying#

  4. igbo kwenu! ya!
    my dear, you did not overreact. what you did do was sleep with him too soon. nothing to be ashamed of-it happens to the best of us. did you sleep with him that second time you went over, too, or just that one time? my advice to you is to fall back. if he wants to be around you, he’ll call. naija boys love the chase.
    one thing that caught me off guard is that you mentioned his wealth and attractiveness. are those the only reasons why you want him, or did you feel a deeper connection? if he’s as bomb as you say, that’s even more reason to fall back. he probably gets chased by chicks all day and is looking for something that doesn’t fall into his lap so quickly. leave him alone. don’t be mean, but don’t chase him up and down, either. if he really wants you, he’ll be back.
    ndigbo ekenem unu!

  5. OK, I thought I’d set the record straight on this one.

    I did not abandon this matter. It’s just whatever I had to say seemed moot because this reader has since told me that things are fine now. She has however expressed a desire to still have her problem up in case it helps someone else in a similar situation so please go ahead with your advice.
    @LIT: Good luck!

    1. Please do not be hard on yourself. The first time meeting someone is best to focus on getting to know the person and what the person is about and not what type of car he drives or his financial situation. Is he out to just get the sugar? Or is he looking for something real and substantial. It is okay. Do not allow someone to mistreat or use u. If you do not agree with something he is saying or doing tell him. I f he is interested in you he will be. If not there will be someone else that is worthy of you. Remember you are a diamond.

  6. Its simple oooooooo, the problem is obvious…You slept with him!
    You see Igbo man wants to believe his wife is special, and they love the chase, you took it away and made it easy from jump. Its over, unless the guy needs you for his green card at this point, I dont see anything coming out of it.
    Sorry!!

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