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You sad, sad slapper.
First of all, if you want to have sex with an Igbo guy, sitting at your computer googling ‘Sex with Igbo man’ is not going to help you do it. Not unless there is an Igbo porn site out there, with films made entirely in the Igbo language, with Igbo characters and settings. (Maybe we could set one in pre-colonial times called ‘Things Fall(ing) Apart’. Would Achebe dare sue if by so doing he admits he watches a bit of porn? Have I just blasphemed the creator of modern African literature? Would 50 Cent invest to spite him? Hmmm. I smell a business venture. I wonder where all those actors I mentioned in the previous Hero post are? Would they be interested, do you think? OK, forget this idea. It’s mine. Seriously, the Igbo sex.com site WILL HAPPEN and the idea belongs to me).
But back to you. Whether this desperate foray into the underground world of smut is only because you wish to have a smouldering wedding night with your man, or for other non-igbo-girl ‘fornicatory’, the result is the same.
- Find your man wherever he is. If he is with people, go on your knees and whisper: ”Dollars. Pounds Sterling. Containers”. Yes, I know it’s very Onitsha main market but this is sex. It’s supposed to be straightforward.
- Take your clothes off.
- Lie down – on your back like a good girl. Any other position – especially one that sees you in charge of pleasure-taking – is frowned upon. It leads to women being promiscuous and children born out of such become prostitutes and thieves, layabouts and ne’er-do-wells. (It’s like that useless ‘Obogu’ boy in my village. We called him that on account of the fact he walked like a duck…anyway, the reason he was born soft in the head was because his mother jumped on top of his father, in the middle of the afternoon no less. He spends his time at the entrance to the borehole flashing girls that come to fetch water). This simply will not do.
That’s pretty much it.
If you insist on foreplay then for the love of God, have a lot of CDs by Osita Osadebe or Oliver de Coque around. You had better know how to dance. And make sure he ‘sprays’ money on you. He expects it. By letting him do this you will be stroking his…ego.
Not convinced? You’d best be moving on then. I can do nothing to disabuse you of your Mills&Boon notions of sex being equal to romance; soft music playing, candles burning, perfume filling the air. My God, woman! Pull yourself together. It’s an Igbo man you’re after.
Any candles you have burning in that room had better be enough to roast bush meat on, is all I’m saying.
And if you must know how to waste your time saying ‘I want to make love’ in Igbo, a simple ‘Baby, ka anyi nwe’ should suffice. Just draw out that last syllable until you’re bleating a bit like a goat: ‘Nweeeeeeee’. That’s it.
Be fruitful and multiply.