Say hello to your mother for me.

“Wait, this isn’t the way to my house. Where are we going? Why are you smiling like that?”

“We’re just going to branch for a little while.”

“Branch where, biko? You said you were taking me straight home that was why I agreed to come with you. I should have got a taxi.”

“We’re going to my house.”

“Eh? Why? What’s happening there?”

“I told you now. My mum is visiting. I wanted you guys to meet.”

“Why?”

“Why?”

“Yes, why? You heard me. Stop repeating what I’ve said.”

“Well, as someone that she should know. Someone I would like to have in my life.”

“We met just two weeks ago. This is only the second time I’ve been out with you, both times on work-related functions and you want me to meet your mother?”

“Yes.”

“I don’t understand.”

“I want to marry you. Why are you sighing?”

“I’m tired of having this same conversation all the time.”

“We’ve never had this conversation.”

“Not you, no.”

“So?”

“So what?”

“Are you going to marry me?”

“You’re proposing?”

“Yes.”

“Just like that.”

“Yes.”

“We only met…”

“Two weeks ago, I know. But when the time is right, the time is right.”

“Oh, I see. Well the time is not right for me. And for godssake we just met.”

“Don’t shout.”

“Why not. I feel like I’m drowning. You’re not listening.”

“You’re so dramatic.”

“Melodramatic.”

“What?”

“Nevermind.”

“Look, she knows we went to this function together. I told her you’d stop by.”

“Before you’d even discussed it with me?”

“I knew you wouldn’t mind.”

“But I do mind. Look, stop the car, let me get out. I don’t understand how you think you can do this…What I supposed to say to her then?”

“Don’t be like that.”

“If you don’t stop the car, I will open the car door and roll out. We’ll see what you tell the police. If you think I’m joking try me.”

“Ok. No problem. No problem, at all. Let me drive you back to your house.”

“Please do you mind not texting while you turn the car?”

“I just need to tell my mum that you’re not coming again.”

“What kind of impression have you given her about me anyway? Look at the time. It’s eleven o’clock. Does she think I’m the kind of girl who can just stop over at any man’s place at this time of the night?”

“Ah-ahn. She knows we went to this thing now, that you’re a journalist and that your work takes all hours.”

“Yes but I go straight home afterwards.”

“Sorry, sorry. My mistake.”

“Hmmm.”

“I really am sorry. I guess I got carried away with you, I just wanted to show you off. One of my sisters is there as well, so it won’t be just my mother if you think it will be uncomfortable.”

“No thank you.”

“My sister is about your age, I’m sure you’ll have plenty to talk about.”

“I don’t know your sister. No offence I’m sure she’s a lovely person but I will not make friends under false pretences.”

“Who is pretending? What I want for myself with you is real.”

“Be that as it may, I have not been given a chance to decide what to feel. I cannot just meet your mum and sister because you’ve decided that you want to get married to me, and especially not at this time of the night; it’s short notice. And we’ve only just met.”

“Why are you shaking your head? What did I do now?”

“Nothing. I just can’t believe you.”

“I’ve said sorry.”

“Yes but you must have known that I would refuse which is why you didn’t tell me before. Some part of you must know this is wrong, however…turn right here please, then keep going straight until you get to the junction…however much you want to pretend that it’s a normal thing to do.”

“You’re still shaking your head.”

“You Igbo men are really something.”

“Eh?”

“I can’t talk about it any more. I feel as if I am always talking about the same thing all the time.”

“I don’t know why you keep resisting me sef. I have a house here and I am building one in my village back home. I am a senior executive at my job. I am a citizen – I passed my exams in one sitting. Surely that counts for something?”

“Yes but…”

“I am not a bad guy here. I will not impregnate you and leave. I am not asking you to become a girlfriend. I am giving you respect by seeing you as wife material. I am the kind of man that would take you out for dinner at the weekends. I would allow you to work, in fact, I would even give you the money to start your own business. If I were president, you would not be merely a first lady but a minister in your own right.”

“And what’s wrong with me being president? Ha ha. You will ‘allow’ me to work?”

“Yes now. I am one of the good guys, you know. I will always let you do whatever you want.”

“I can’t do it. I can’t have this conversation again with another man. I’m tired. You are a nice guy but you just don’t get it and I can’t keep explaining. Thank you for bringing me home. Have a safe journey back to yours.”

“I know you think I am not thinking of you. The truth is, I could marry anyone I wanted but it’s you I want. I could marry a white or Jamaican.”

“This is so unreal. I’m going to get out now.”

“Wait.”

“Yes?”

“My mother says she’s disappointed that you didn’t meet. She made oha soup. It’s my favourite.”

“Well, say hello to her for me. And enjoy the soup.”

4 thoughts on “Say hello to your mother for me.

  1. I would allow you to work, in fact, I would even give you the money to start your own business. If I were president, you would not be merely a first lady but a minister in your own right

    Man, if i had a dollar for every time i’ve heard something like this!!! And too many of them don’t understand the issue with this statement. To them, statements and thoughts like this means they are progressive minded individuals. SMH

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