Category Archives: The Hero Series

The Hero Series: ‘How to please my Igbo mother-in-law’.

 Number of times searched  - 1

Alternate searches – Igbo mothers-in-law (1)

I don’t have an Igbo mother-in-law. I do have an Igbo mother though. And Igbo aunts, cousins and grandmothers, so hopefully I know what I am talking about.

See, pleasing your Igbo mother -in-law is simultaneously the easiest and hardest thing to do. To survive, to even get through your marriage and come out the other side ready and waiting for death to ‘do you part’, you first have to accept one simple fact: You do not own your husband. She does.

You must also accept that the Igbo mother-in-law does not hate you – unless you genuinely catch her trying to do away with you and I mean without a doubt, everything she is doing is for the good of her son. And you love her son right? You both want the same things. Stop fighting her on everything and just get on with it.

The Igbo mother-in-law is merely trying to show you how your life will be. In a few years, you would have morphed completely into her that you will have difficulty knowing where she stops and you start. Learn from her. The reason she is the way she is comes from the fact that her own mother-in-law had the ideal marriage with her son, as she had with your husband before you came along and spoilt everything. Every sensible woman knows, the only perfect husband out there is the one you give birth to yourself. Why do you think you’re having such a hard time, going on search engines, trying to find out a way to please her? You’re the other woman. Deal with it. You can have your own marriage once you bear a son.

Which brings me to my next point: BEAR SONS. I cannot stress this enough. Try to only have one more son than your mother-in-law has or there will be hell to pay. Are you trying to show her up? You only need enough sons to convince her that her name will not be forgotten. You need to also show her that you are not barren and what other way is there, than to beget individuals that will later on beget others? It’s like a living spring, flowing and flowing.

After you have borne the boys, bear her some daughters because your mother-in-law has found out the truth a painful way: you may smother them with affection but the sons always leave them and take up with someone like you with your French manicure and lace front wigs. The daughters on the other hand, stay. Besides, when the girls grow, she will have a relationship with them that she never managed with you, your husband will be released into your care and you can start the ‘happily ever after’. If you have only boys, you’re screwed. It doesn’t matter if she has a daughter of her own, your mum-in-law. A daughter is not a son, neither is she a granddaughter.  Apples and oranges and ube are not the same fruit.

Then of course there is the normal stuff; agreeing with whatever she says, not spending too much of her son’s money beautifying yourself (yes, even if you earn a salary, it is her son’s money), sleeping in her room/hut/wing whenever you’re back in the village NEVER MIND that as a woman who has borne children, you have by Igbo law, earned the right to your own room/hut/wing. This is an assumption of course. If you have not yet borne children, you’re to sleep where she tells you and shut up. Relinquish the rights to your kitchen. Whenever she comes around, seek her permission/counsel on all matters including what her son should eat. It’s not as if what he’s been eating from you could technically be called ‘food’. Put yourself down at every opportunity and do not ever have a different opinion to hers. You want her to like you right?

Of course you could always see this for what it is and stop trying so damn hard. She’s not God. She can’t create or turn you to dust (again, physically harming you is the exception). She’s a woman who’s been number one for the past 30-odd years and has recently had to contend with her son thinking the sun shines of another woman’s bum. That look he used to give her –  the look that told her that he trusted her with his whole life –  he bestows on your frequently and in non-life-saving conditions. You could see things from her point of view as well as establish yourself in your home/marriage/family. You are the mother/wife  and she is the mother-in-law. You could let her know by your actions that it is a privilege to get to her position, to be somebody’s mother-in-law. It is your time now. You should not have to apologise for loving her son. Some women liken the wifely role to that of the neck. It’s your duty, now CARRY THAT HEAD.

The best way to please your mother-in-law is just to be yourself.  No woman wants a lickarse for a daughter -in-law. What sort of sons are you going to raise then? Them of the feline variety probably.

But most importantly live for your time. Live in your time. You don’t want to be that woman whose daughter-in-law stays up at 2:34am asking Google for ways to please her mother-in-law.

The Hero Series: ‘What makes you know you’re Igbo’ and other matters.

Number of times searched – 1

Listen my dear, I do not understand this question.

When you’re Igbo you just know. In fact the first rule of knowing that you’re Igbo is to wonder if you are. Our culture does not favour everyone and if you’re feeling the pinch of it in a particular area of your life, the fact that you cannot escape is probably causing you to fantasise that maybe…just maybe…you might not be Igbo? Ha! Tough luck! You are.

If I am not an eight-year-old lying asleep on my mother’s couch, waiting for my Uncle Israel to pick me up for a two-week holiday at his house (Long story. More on this later) then you don’t get to have an alternate reality either. This is your life. Suck it up.

If you are adopted or something and are simply wondering if you could be Igbo, I think I can help. And don’t worry, if the majority of these symptoms have not manifested, they will. In time. As with all medical advice, having one or more means you are definitely Igbotically inclined.

FEMALES

  • You have to resist the urge to blind, maim or even eviscerate your suitors: This means you like them. In fact, the more you like them, the more likely they are to end up dead. It will be sad if they die, yes, but your honour and Maidenhead will be intact.

****Of course we cannot disregard cases of rape and ‘forceful loving’ from centuries of cultural ‘Stop-it-I-like-its’. In those days however, there was a code of which both males and females, young and old were aware. There were signs that women gave if they were genuinely interested and merely testing your mettle to see if you would be a strong husband –  if you genuinely wanted her  as opposed to just anyone in her peer group. I would like to say there was no rape but it is likely that the consequences were more severe. Unlike today, rape could be punishable by death. But – and I say this as someone who has been on the receiving end of many a persistent bugger convinced he is being tested – there is a need for the language of courtship to change. If women are still reading from the scroll of courtship and men aren’t, there is a problem. 

  • You are relentless in your pursuit of degrees/independence: You mustn’t blame yourself if you are still stuck on your 10th postgraduate programme long after your mates have finished theirs. It’s a genetic condition. Do you know the science of evolution? Well, you are programmed to behave like that because in the not-too-distant past, your ancestresses married one man and had to look after themselves and their children with whatever they sold, sowed or bartered. The only thing they got from the men apart from social standing  (and if your man was an akologheli like my Awka brethren would say, not even that) were yams and seed yams. You get where I’m going with this. Still…
  • Marriage matters to you. Deeply. And so…
  • In spite of your independence, you don’t want to appear too independent/smart. I know, I know. It’s annoying isn’t it? You have all the answers and you’re forced to hold your tongue while the men lumber around making all the mistakes and generally wrecking everything. You know how to hold a car distributor together with the under-wire of your bra and you have to watch your man fiddling with stuff under the bonnet and muttering “I think it’s the manifold.” And this, after refusing to call the mechanic twiddling his thumbs across the road. Stuff like that.
  • You find yourself: Sitting down to cook (who was the imbecile that came up with standing up to cook anyway?), saving the best pieces of meat/fish for whatever man is closest during meal times, even if they are strangers. And if no man is available? Well, no wonder your freezer is full. Get  a man ASAP. In fact, even a male dog has a penis and is more deserving than you are. Get one.
  • You may have an innate hierarchical system: Men first, then male children, women and girls. The Marrieds over singles. This will determine how you treat them all the time. Contrary to the UN’s idiotic beliefs, all fingers are not created equal. You may also hate yourself for this, seeing as you’re educated and all. Don’t be silly. The minute you surrender to your Igboness, this internal conflict will be resolved. You’ll accept your place. Which is…
  • A little above a child’s: Your man, whether temporary or permanent, has the right to discipline you as he sees fit. 50 Shades of Grey is your template. You can’t understand these people who hate it so much.

It might sound like your existence is dire; you have all of the responsibilities but none of the benefits but that isn’t always true. I’d say it’s split 80/20 but that is true in the rest of the world. The difference is that we’re Igbo. We are more honest about things than everyone else is.  Keep your head down and do your duty. That is your reward for living.

But if you feel a bit blue, consider this: Amadioha is so merciful that he has given us a silver lining. Most of the men your age will probably be dead twice over before you even dream about popping your clogs.

May be the odds be ever in your favour!

Love,

Hx

The Hero Series: A selection

Here is a small selection of what people have been searching for in the past seven days (which led them to my blog). The number of times searched is in brackets.

How to love Igbo things (3)Ezigbo nwa. Deeme. I hope you found what you were looking for on this blog. Nnoo. Welcome.

Altar of burnt offering in Igboland (2)Maka why now? Mba nu, that is not my forte. You need to visit Ukpuru and maybe you’ll find some images from the past even if I haven’t seen that particular type myself. But if you’re looking for some Okija Shrine stuff, you’re in the wrong place.

How to say ‘I have cooked’/’I am cooking’ in Igbo (1 +1) –  Luckily for you, you don’t have to tell an Igbo man when you have cooked. The smell should do it for you. Igbo foods – when cooked properly – are very smelly and need no introduction. I’m assuming you’re not wasting your time and mine with any rice-based dishes because as any true Igbo man will tell you, rice is nni nnunu – only fit for birds. Yes, the smell thing works over the phone and the internet as well.

But if you must know the sentence, ‘I have cooked’ does not translate really because it’s what you should be doing as a woman in the first place. I am cooking is ‘Ana m esi nri’. The closest to ‘I have cooked’ is ‘Esichago m nri’ – I have finished cooking.

What is ‘behaviour’ in Igbo? (1) –  Omume. Good behaviour is ‘Ezigbo omume’ and Bad behaviour is ‘Ajo omume’. If you’re a woman, you must aim for ‘Ezigbo omume’ at all times, except if you’re married and it comes to …ahem! wifely duties, then it’s ‘Ajo omume’ all the way! But be careful. If you know too much ajo omume, your husband will ask how many people have seen your thighs before him. If you’re a man, the world is your oyster. Ajo omume and ezigbo omume are pretty much the same for you (except when it comes to murder and igwo nsi, juju and so forth).

What can I say to my Igbo boyfriend? (1) - Why say anything? I have discussed it at length on this blog. Why do you want to be talking uselessly like a woman who has no sense? Just close your mouth until he speaks to you first. Hia. Your boyfriend is IGBO. He is not a woman neither is he onye ocha. He does not need to have conversations with you. The only language he speaks is FOREX and you’re too dumb to speak that anyway. When you feel yourself wanting to start a conversation, ask yourself these questions:

  • Is food ready?
  • Do I have enough money?
  • Am I in the mood to have sex?

If you answer ‘No’ to any, just mechie onu and sweep or something. Or go get a manicure. Or polish your Pyrex. Talk is what girlfriends are for.

Blue movie hot hot sex igbo lady (1) – That would be Cossy Orjiarkor.

I see female breast in my dreams (1) - Ewooooo! My brother/sister they have come for youYes, umu mami wata nke ndi bekee n’akpo SUCCUBUS. Your own has finished o. I cannot help you. You’d better go to your village and see your local Eze mmuo, find out how many chickens and goats and bottles of Seaman’s Schnapps you need to break the tie. It’s either you are married to one of these creatures in the underworld or else you are their lover or follower.

Wait…have you been watching any films featuring the above mentioned actress? There may be hope for you yet. It’s not your fault. Cossy’s assets are well-known and it’s possible they would dominate your dreams. Heck, they dominate more than half her own body. Say 5 Hail Marys and don’t do it again.

Or if you’re a fan of Big Brother Africa your brain could just be regurgitating the image of Prezzo’s man boobs. (I’m really, really sorry you all had to see that.) I bet you wish a succubus was after you now.

And the question of the day… do not click if you are not 18 or sensitive
Continue reading

The Hero Series: ‘My Igbo husband wants to marry an Igbo girl’

Dear Igbophilia readers,

Ndewo nu ndi oma m,

Kedu ka unu mere? I’m so glad that many of you have been waiting patiently for a new post since Easter. Thanks for all your messages and comments.

I’ve been up to my neck in deadlines but the the nearest one will be done soon and I will be back with more articles and stories for you to read.

In the meantime, here’s a dilemma for you to solve. This search term landed on my dashboard a few weeks ago and I was going to address it, but I thought, ‘Why not hear what other people have to say?’

Please take the time to read respond to this because someone’s life could depend on it.

What would you do if you were non-Igbo married to an Igbo man who wanted to marry someone else?

(I know hundreds of you read posts daily. The figures don’t lie. I’m asking you to please type a few words. Don’t do a browse-by. Pass it on.)

Why you’re not married.

I usually find a lot of topics like these ridiculous, but this time, something’s different. I think it’s because I always get search terms like…hang on. Lets’s turn into a Hero Series shall we?

Where to meet Igbo men

Number of times searched – 2

Alternate searches: How to keep an Igbo guy (1), How to snag an Igbo husband (1), How to bag an Igbo man (1), How to keep my Igbo man (1).

I was first alerted to the presence of this post called ’6 Reasons you’re not married‘ on Ginger’s blog and decided to let you know what mine are from the Igbo perspective. As you can see from the above search results, some people – I’m assuming women but it could be men too – would like to know.

Before you guys get big-headed over how sought-after you are, there is a twist.

Callistus, put down your holy water. Azubike, swallow that bit of nkwobi you have in your mouth. Ifeanyi, leave that woman alone until I finish what I have to say. Igbo boys, here are 6 reasons that you’re still not married even though you want to be.

Continue reading