The Hero Series: Part One

How to get an Igbo man to love you. 

Number of times searched – 1.

Alternate searches: How to keep a Igbo man (1), How to please an Igbo man (1).

Dear Reader,

I know what the title of my blog says, but as you’ve probably looked through it, I’m sure you see it’s not what it does, don’t you? If anything it does the complete opposite; it tells you how NOT to settle for just anyone.

Nevertheless, I promised to help and help I shall. Here are the following ways in which you can get that Igbo man of your dreams to love you back. And yes, the fact that you had to type this into a search engine on the internet tells me exactly what kind of man you have. The following advice applies to all men of this calibre, not just the Igbo ones.

  1. Always be dressed to impress:  You know those Nollywood films where the man always comes home to find that his wife (who may or may not have been to work too) is wearing a crisp bou-bou and looking freshly washed and made-up? Make those your frame of reference. Your nails must always be french manicured, your hair must always be well braided or lace-front-wigged. Of course in those films, the women never take off their make-up at night but that’s entirely up to you and your confidence levels. Relationships have been known to exist though, in which the man is never quite sure what his partner’s face looks like – for the entire duration of the relationship.
  2. Know your Igbo delicacies and how to cook them: I’m talking Ngwo-ngwo, Ugba, Abacha ncha, Nkwobi, Ofe Onugbu, Ofe Ora, Ukwa na-mkpulu, Ji mmanu. If any of these things sound foreign to you at this stage, then you ‘berra ask someborri’ as they say. Igbo men love with their stomachs. The above dishes should be served in Pyrex dishes with their appropriate lids. Take the opportunity to flash manicure and bling as you serve. See Nollywood films for how-to-do.
  3. Let him chase you: I mean this in both the literal and figurative senses. An Igbo man must satisfy his hunger for the hunt, so when on the beach or in a park for instance, take off running for no reason. It may startle him at first but after the age-old mating instinct kicks in, he will follow. Try not to make it too easy for him catch you or he will simply lose interest and wander off. You know you’ve done it right if after he catches you, he proceeds to lift you up. And no, it doesn’t matter how heavy you are.
  4. Ask him for money for everything: I cannot stress this enough. When asking make sure you call him ‘Daddy’ or ‘Oga’. If he is slow in bringing out the wallet, gently hint that you will be the only one to possess whatever-it-is, if you act immediately. He should then say something like “You this woman sef, you just like to chop my money anyhow eh! How much is it?” Objects could range from houses to earrings.
  5. Change your Facebook profile to reflect the both of you: Really do I need to explain this? You’re trying to be a Somebody (everyone knows single women are non-existent until they marry) so take note. Also mention whatever he buys you/wherever he takes you on your status updates and let him know your friends are jealous. Promote him as much as possible in your life. This does NOT include a test run of his surname. (Are you mad???)
  6. Keep quiet until he asks you to speak. Duh.
  7. Do not ask whether he loves you/about other women: Pretend that you are the only woman in his life even after you find evidence to the contrary. When confronted by said evidence, act undisturbed (you can call your girlfriends to cry afterwards but make sure you do it in the toilets at his house. Do not risk going home or the woman will come that night to keep him company). You’re thinking of the big picture here. And thus…
  8. Play the game well: He might say he hates women who play games but this is untrue. He only hates to KNOW that a game is being played and he does not know the rules. If you’re there to chop money, chop and go. He will only respect you for it.
  9. Do not do a number two at his place: Remember manicure. It will make it difficult to eat whatever you have cooked afterwards. Disturbing imagery.
  10. Do not worry about relatives/friends: If you  do everything correctly, the Igbo guy’s love for you should bulldoze all opposition; it won’t matter if you had a thing with his cousin. On second thoughts, keep that to yourself. You will just be poking a sleeping lion with a stick.
  11. Do not ever, EVER admit to knowing about sex: Do not give him instructions or directions, do not tell him what you may like. You are a virgin. Always resist when he makes a move (see number 3 above) and throw in a few ‘Stop-it-I-like-it’s. Say ‘Thank you, sir’ when he is done and don’t EVER complain when he goes to sleep afterwards. That’s what he’s supposed to do. Do you think making money is easy?
I hope this helps you and when in doubt, watch Nollywood. The old films are the best; anything by Liz Benson, Ije Kpoms, Rita Nzelu and the Late Jennifer Okere should do. Also consider films by Saint Obi, Pat Attah and Charles Okafor. They will show you how it’s done.
Love,
 H.

16 thoughts on “The Hero Series: Part One

  1. Oh dear Lord. I’m still wiping my laugh-tears…It’s interesting the way nice young smart men devolve into Neanderthals as soon as they are in a relationship. “me-man-you-woman–shut-up-and-cook (preferably naked)”

    I wonder where Liz Benson and Saint Obi are now….

    1. Somewhere cursing all the young upstarts in Nollywood, no doubt!
      They need to come back. I was joking before but I’d love to see that, preferably all in one film!

  2. I did chuckle a few times reading this. You can’t be serious though? These aren’t ACTUAL tips are they? Like, really? I’d like to believe it was written ‘toungue in cheek’……………..

  3. lol…its open to interpretation…..exactly..the no 2 is still cracking me up…….good writing…..Nwunye + RT101 = BLISS

    just in case u are wondering RT is relationship therapy

  4. LOl..stop it i like it. and Thank you sir ..hilarious now why didn’t i think of that during my search days! ..nice blog by the way, saw your blog on IJ Anusionwu’s page

  5. oh dear. I am loling here. I know this is tongue in cheek, but there are some real nuggets here. There’s just something Neanderthal about my Ibo men which education cant just refine. Fufee isi m.

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